How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Dr. Robert Hare tells us that psychopaths are not the good liars they are generally acclaimed as being. In his book " Without Conscience " in the chapter titled Words from an Overcoat Pocket he outlines the anomalies of the way psychopaths use language. More accurately, how they misuse language. And some really interesting reasons as to why . Please don't be distracted by my referring to Hare's work with psychopaths. The character-disordered have one thing in common: they lie. A lot. Lying is pervasive throughout all their interactions with others. As I have highlighted before , Dr. Hare has established that all psychopaths have a pervasive narcissistic personality. So, even on their best day, a malignant narcissist has much more in common with the psychopath than with the rest of us. Also, I know that some of you who read this blog are dealing with someone who is closer to the psychopath than not. I have observed before that the malignant narcissist prosti

I would like to make it very, very clear that I am not advocating the pathologizing of victims. It is very possible to be schmoozed and fooled into believing a narcissist is Prince or Princess Charming who then, once you are dependent on them financially and otherwise, will show you the fangs behind closed doors. People can unwittingly be caught and trapped into relationships with malignant narcissists. I hope you saw my consistent use of the words "choice" and "will" and other iterations of words which clearly showed I am referring to people who can and are able to walk away from a situation. I would also like to state that very often there are ways out of a relationship with a narcissist even though it may look like a hopeless trap. It may require stealth, careful planning and lots of time, but a way can be cleared to make it out as long as you're not chained in the basement or have a gun to your head. I have seen more than one trapped adult who appe

Yesterday morning I decided to thumb through M. Scott Peck, M.D,'s book, "People of the Lie". It has been more than a couple years since I read his book. A recent comment in an email from one of the readers of my blog made me think it was time for me to refresh my memory on what Peck covers in his book. My eye quickly lighted upon Peck's assertion that adults do not accidentally end up in close relationships with evil people. He uses the term "willing thralldom" and contrasts it with the plight of children who, through no choice of their own, are enslaved to evil parents. Peck relates his experience with a very disturbed (and disturbing) couple -- Sarah and Hartley. In the context of this story he states: "We do not become partners to evil by accident. As adults we are not forced by fate to become trapped by an evil power, we set the trap ourselves." pg. 118 Referring to Hartley: "Theoretically he could have just walked away from Sarah.

The book," In Sheep's Clothing ", which I referenced in the last post gives a list of seven specific distorted thinking patterns of character-disordered people (pages 22-23). A quick look at the list without the full descriptions is as follows: Self-focused (self-centered) thinking. Possessive thinking. Extreme (all-or-none) thinking. Egomaniacal thinking. Shameless thinking. Quick and easy thinking. Guiltless thinking. I want to focus on number six--quick and easy thinking: " The disturbed character always wants things the easy way . He hates to put forth effort or accept obligation. He gets far more joy out of 'conning' people. This way of thinking promotes an attitude of disdain for labor and effort." (Emphasis mine.) The laziness described above is primarily a moral laziness. It feels easier to run a "confidence" game than it does to live by the rules. The morally lazy disordered character actually looks down on those of us who live

"The disordered character has plenty of insight and awareness but despite it, resists changing his/her attitudes and core beliefs. CDO's (character-disordered individuals) don't need any more insight. What they need and can benefit from are limits, confrontation, and most especially, correction. Cognitive-behavioral therapeutic approaches appropriate." page 21 In Sheep's Clothing ; Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon, Jr., Ph.D. The author then goes on to explain, "Most especially, disordered characters don't think the way most of us do. In recent years, researchers have come to realize the importance of recognizing that fact. What we think, how we believe, and what attitudes we develop largely determine how we will act." page 22 I am not going to argue whether or not NPD is character disorder. The entire premise my blog is predicated on is that NPD is a character disorder. Most of the time the terms "pe

This was originally posted on Jan. 02, 2007. I thought I'd bring back to the top in case some more recent readers haven't gotten to it yet. It seems apropos given the slant of recent comments on the last blog post. Oh, hey, it's my momster's birthday today. This one's for you, Ma. My husband and I were just talking a couple days ago about the necessity for evil to cloak itself with the appearance of good, and how often this universal fact trips people up. We watched the movie "Downfall" about the last 10 days of Hitler in his bunker as told largely from the perspective of one of his secretaries, Traudl Junge. The secretary expressed her confusion about Hitler's character. He could be so kind and solicitous. Then she would find out about his vicious actions in the outside world. She seemed unable to know how to reconcile the two. Was he that nice, compassionate man who seemed genuinely interested in her welfare? Or should he be defined by his

I have to ask for the indulgence of the readers of my blog who are not Christian. I need to have a word with the Christians for a moment. Hopefully you'll read anyway because there are some principles here that apply no matter who you are. It used to be that some of the bravest and mightiest warriors have been men of faith. I am fairly sure that the first mention in the Bible of a mighty warrior with his own army is in Genesis (chapter 14). That man was Abraham. Abraham...the father of God's people, Israel. The father of Ishmael (progenitor of the Muslims). The spiritual father of the Christians (Gal. 3:8-9). His warfare was fought for freedom. There are other mighty warriors in Scripture. Joshua. Caleb. David. These men are portrayed as having been righteous men. David is described as a "man after God's own heart". These men didn't go to war for mercenary reasons. They fought for freedom and they fought against the forces of evil kings. King

Have you noticed that even when you do things right it can be crapped all over and made to be "wrong" by the narcissist? One of the ways they accomplish this is quite simple and can often trip us up without us seeing what got us. Even the most benevolent act can be turned into its opposite by the assignation of bad motives . The narcissist reserves to themselves the right to determine your own mind for you. They will tell you what was really motivating you in order to take away from you the truth, reality or rightness of whatever you have done. It can be an amazingly effective sleight-of-hand. When I think back on my relationship with my narcissistic mother this is one of the things that stands out. My mother takes extreme pride in her ability to "read" people. She has done this for as long as I've known her. Mostly, what that means is that she assumes the worst about someone's thoughts or motivations and proceeds on that as if it is the truth about

Elise made a comment on the last blog post that got me to thinking. (Hi, Elise!) She said: It took me 40 years to wise up about my N-mom. And that's without a framework of Christianity (or any other religion) in my head. If I'd had those expectations to deal with too, I shudder to think how much longer I might have wrestled with trying to "fix" her and trying to be the "good daughter". I have made the observation here that it can be extremely difficult for a Christian to justify leaving off all contact with their abusive parents. There is a plethora of Bible verses that are misused to keep adult children from holding their abusive parents to account. In my posts on the 5th commandment I deal with biggest Christian club of all where it concerns the parent/child relationship. Then there is the culture of "nice" that seems to have taken over Christianity. Hurting someone's feelings is a sin now. I contemplate Elise's comment and ponder th

Occasionally I will use Google to see what people "out there" are saying about my blog. I was very interested to see someone define my blog as "too negative" and then go on to describe the hope for redemption they still nurture for their narcissist parent all stated inside the context of being a good Christian. I find this comment about my blog very interesting because it is so upside down from the usual. It is an inverse viewpoint...the flipside of the reactions of others to my ruminations. Why the dichotomous difference in opinion? I'll share my theories. I completely agree that this blog would appear to be very negative to someone who is determined to believe it is their Christian duty to not only believe in the hope for redemption for the narcissist, but to also believe they must stay with the narcissist to ensure that outcome. I'm obviously very negative on these points. I do not in any way encourage people to nurture hope for the narcissist'

This may be old news to some, but I just stumbled across this Seattle PI review of this book. Just in case it might be of interest to you: Help! I’m in Love With a Narcissist by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter. The book looks like it is focused on romantic relationships with narcissists. A timely subject for our day. I haven't read this book myself, but if any of you have then please feel free to post in the comments your review of the book.

I watched the first "Resident Evil" movie a couple of nights ago. It is a zombie movie set in a high tech world. This is not my definition of a scary movie. Zombies don't scare me because they are not in any way real. I have no expectation or even a tiny fear that I'll some day have to run from a zombie dragging its leg in a slow-mo chase as it tries to feed on my brain. No, what really scares me is evil that resides in every day, normal-looking people. Evil that lives in residential houses and cloaks its malignancy behind a sweet face. Evil that speaks smooth and charming words right before it sticks a knife in your back. Yeah, that kind of evil scares me. Zombies are child's play. Which brings me back to my mother. A woman who has courted with an unseen and evil being all her life. A woman who has imbibed long and often of the spirit of evil until it has become her own so that she is, in her own right and by her full consent, evil. My mother's co

While holding my breath, I'm going to venture into the uncharted territory of narcissists and evil in the supernatural realm. I have never read anything in material about narcissism that even touches on I'm going to bring up now, so I don't know if I'm going to be describing a complete anomaly or if others will be able to relate. Because my entire approach with this blog is under-girded by my conviction that my experiences are not unique I will venture forth on that presumption now. This is a big deviation for me because I have made an effort to make sure I stay away from the purely speculative and buttress my comments and observations with logic. It will seem like quite a deviation for me from your perspective. Keep in mind, though, that I am describing experience. Mine. I have no way to prove it. I can only describe it. If you have had similar experiences you're going to recognize that I am describing a reality. It is very real to those who've gone