No wonder so many psychological theories talk about the importance of 'letting go' -- because the opposite of it -- 'holding on' becomes an insane form of reasoning. Somewhere in the midst of the pathological love relationship, your intensity of attachment/ obsession with him begins to feel like a drug. The more he lies/ cheats/ hides what he's doing, the tighter the grip becomes on wanting him/seeking him out/obsessing about him. While you tell yourself you 'should' let go, you hold tighter... you hire a P.I. , you break into his computer, you peruse his cell phone, you follow him or do a drive by. You don't have to hire the TV show 'Cheaters' -- you already know how to do all of it. Just a little bit more info and it will surely motivate you to let him go, right? WRONG.
Within the 12 Step traditions is the concept of letting go and it's so applicable to people struggling in the pathological relationship. No doubt, there is a lot to let go of...
Just let go...of painful belief systems and pathological hope.
A hard thing to learn is to go through life with an open hand. We can hold tight to someone and they still slip away. Those things that we want to hold on to most, we can't -- and sometimes shouldn't. Letting go becomes an act of self preservation... and sometimes a gift to them -- that they are released to a power greater their our own need or love for them. Sometimes letting go IS an act of love.
October 2007 I had to let go of one of the most precious things in my life: my mentor -- my mother. As the last act I could do for her, I let go and poured her out to the next journey. Let him go. Pour him out to the next journey in his life.
A Tribute to Joyce
This week would have been my mother's birthday She would have been 7-7. Ah, God's number to remind me that there are things bigger than my desires to have her here with me. My mother was a maverick to the belief of a great life beyond pathological relationships. She taught by letting go, and reaching out and embracing and MAKING a great life for herself. Many of you know the story... after the last pathological relationship she declared to me and the world "NOT ONE MORE MINUTE" that she would spend obsessing about him and the sickness they called a relationship.
Instead, at 60-something, she went to Bible College, then on to short term mission trips, fed the homeless, rode a motorcycle, went to Israel and sipped tea with Bedouin desert dwellers, learned bellydancing and became a chaplain both at 70 years old. She painted nudes and drank cheap wine from boxes. She lived in a one room beach cottage so that she could 'play hard.' She went on a charter voyage in her 70's to the Bahamas -- working the catamaran boat and to Paris at 74.
She was frugal -- not only in living in one room, but squeezing every bit of LIFE out of her days. Wringing joy out of a path of pain. Extracting the beauty that IS without being distracted by the wretching of the pathological relationship. It never stopped her from finding a way to have a great life and to not look back.
I have never known anyone like her. I doubt I ever will. But she left a legacy to you ladies... she wanted you to know that her path can be yours too. The first step is letting go and not looking back -- lest you become a pillar of salt in a God-forsaken relationship. Letting go is freeing yourself. Who knows... you too might be riding a motor cycle before long...
Within the 12 Step traditions is the concept of letting go and it's so applicable to people struggling in the pathological relationship. No doubt, there is a lot to let go of...
- the illusion of who you thought he WAS
- the dream of a future together
- hope that pathology is not true
- belief he will change
Just let go...of painful belief systems and pathological hope.
A hard thing to learn is to go through life with an open hand. We can hold tight to someone and they still slip away. Those things that we want to hold on to most, we can't -- and sometimes shouldn't. Letting go becomes an act of self preservation... and sometimes a gift to them -- that they are released to a power greater their our own need or love for them. Sometimes letting go IS an act of love.
October 2007 I had to let go of one of the most precious things in my life: my mentor -- my mother. As the last act I could do for her, I let go and poured her out to the next journey. Let him go. Pour him out to the next journey in his life.
A Tribute to Joyce
This week would have been my mother's birthday She would have been 7-7. Ah, God's number to remind me that there are things bigger than my desires to have her here with me. My mother was a maverick to the belief of a great life beyond pathological relationships. She taught by letting go, and reaching out and embracing and MAKING a great life for herself. Many of you know the story... after the last pathological relationship she declared to me and the world "NOT ONE MORE MINUTE" that she would spend obsessing about him and the sickness they called a relationship.
Instead, at 60-something, she went to Bible College, then on to short term mission trips, fed the homeless, rode a motorcycle, went to Israel and sipped tea with Bedouin desert dwellers, learned bellydancing and became a chaplain both at 70 years old. She painted nudes and drank cheap wine from boxes. She lived in a one room beach cottage so that she could 'play hard.' She went on a charter voyage in her 70's to the Bahamas -- working the catamaran boat and to Paris at 74.
She was frugal -- not only in living in one room, but squeezing every bit of LIFE out of her days. Wringing joy out of a path of pain. Extracting the beauty that IS without being distracted by the wretching of the pathological relationship. It never stopped her from finding a way to have a great life and to not look back.
I have never known anyone like her. I doubt I ever will. But she left a legacy to you ladies... she wanted you to know that her path can be yours too. The first step is letting go and not looking back -- lest you become a pillar of salt in a God-forsaken relationship. Letting go is freeing yourself. Who knows... you too might be riding a motor cycle before long...
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