Everyone knows what 'coitus interruptus' is -- but what you really need to know is what 'emotional obsession interruptus' is!
The last few weeks I have been talking about the inherent traps, pitfalls and perils of the holidays and how people get roped back in to the pathological relationships during 'weak moments' of family fantasizing about normal relationships. I also said that there are no Normal Rockwells, oh, I meant 'Norman' Rockwell's with narcissists and psychopaths. As much as you want to paint the picture of a happy family for a few days a year, that's not what you got. You got a pathological dynamic.
Much to some people's dismay, my abrupt discussion about family fantasizing stirred up many people who wanted to remain in the fantasy at least until January 2nd. So I got some 'interesting' email, shall we say? People unsubscribing from the newsletter because "They strongly disagree with the content" or "Find the content offensive." ?!?!
Obviously these are people still in the relationship or setting up and planning on going back in the relationship so they are not 'lonely' during the holidays. As we discussed -- loneliness is subjective. You're with them but you are STILL lonely because pathology doesn't pay attention to anything other than itself.
One of my brilliant protege's, Carol, has SOOOO understood the issue about pathology, personality disorders and the lies you tend to tell yourself -- wrote me this brilliant analogy of people who don't want to 'get it' during the holidays. She is speaking for the people who wrote to unsubscribe with a blazing reality of their denial...
This 'emotional obsession interruptus' as I like to call it, is a re-framing technique that works incredibly well when said outloud. I wrote some of them in my last newsletter (which prompted some of the people being offended when I suggested that being with a narcissist or psychopath during the holidays isn't a good idea....)
Repeat Carol's version often... but say it OUT LOUD and not merely just read silently.
Fantasizing normal family life during the holidays is nothing new. During the holidays, families see each other THEN even if they haven't seen each other all year. It's probably why there are more deaths from November -- January than any other time of the year -- sometimes self induced and other times from accidents during times they are extremely upset.
The truth is people want healthy families. They want what they see others have --enjoyable and meaningful relationships. Then they try to reproduce that with their own families who may not have the same capacity for normality. Pathological people have challenges that interrupt their ability to sustain the
change you want them to make to make your holidays 'normal.' 'Wanting' to have JUST ONE Christmas in which everyone gets along, there is no fighting, no one gets drunk or hits someone, or no one overtly insults others doesn't mean that the pathologicals in your life have the ABILITY to give that to you. Sometimes it's a set up for bitter disappointments to really want just one year of a holiday like 'other' people have.
Repetition compulsion is often re-enacted during the holidays. This is repeating the same or similar event over and over hoping & trying to get a different and satisfying outcome. This is sadly what we often see in Adult Children of Pathological Parents. At 43 they are STILL trying to have that ONE Christmas with a narcissistic mother or a borderline father so that a healing can take place in them.
Each year they start the season with the same hope that this year the parent, sibling or partner will do something kind and sweet or will 'behave' during the holidays. They desperately feel like they need one restorative experience to heal their dysfunctional family memories. Repetition compulsion can leave adults trapped in this never ending desire for just one good experience but now, they have pulled their own children into the same cycle creating an inter-generational experience of exposure to pathology. (Ever see the movie 'Stuart Saves His Family?')
While it is painful to face the reality that pathology is related to the inability to change, grow, or have insight about their own behavior, it's less painful than putting yourself and your children through another cycle of hope and despair that mounts on December 26. Pathological parents, siblings, or partners can challenge the holidays in ways that are kinder to yourself to just avoid.
Take time for yourself this holiday season. Be kind to YOU!
The last few weeks I have been talking about the inherent traps, pitfalls and perils of the holidays and how people get roped back in to the pathological relationships during 'weak moments' of family fantasizing about normal relationships. I also said that there are no Normal Rockwells, oh, I meant 'Norman' Rockwell's with narcissists and psychopaths. As much as you want to paint the picture of a happy family for a few days a year, that's not what you got. You got a pathological dynamic.
Much to some people's dismay, my abrupt discussion about family fantasizing stirred up many people who wanted to remain in the fantasy at least until January 2nd. So I got some 'interesting' email, shall we say? People unsubscribing from the newsletter because "They strongly disagree with the content" or "Find the content offensive." ?!?!
Obviously these are people still in the relationship or setting up and planning on going back in the relationship so they are not 'lonely' during the holidays. As we discussed -- loneliness is subjective. You're with them but you are STILL lonely because pathology doesn't pay attention to anything other than itself.
One of my brilliant protege's, Carol, has SOOOO understood the issue about pathology, personality disorders and the lies you tend to tell yourself -- wrote me this brilliant analogy of people who don't want to 'get it' during the holidays. She is speaking for the people who wrote to unsubscribe with a blazing reality of their denial...
(read this with some sarcasm....)
"I am offended that someone shed the light on psychopathy in the newsletter.
I am offended that I might be set free from my psychopath. I am happy and joyous to be in the secret and dark world of my psychopath.
I am happy to unsubscribe from the very thing that might set me free
from my soul destroying psychopath.
I am happy to continue on the path through hell with my charming psychopath.
I enjoy my holiday more when I spend them with a pathological."
This 'emotional obsession interruptus' as I like to call it, is a re-framing technique that works incredibly well when said outloud. I wrote some of them in my last newsletter (which prompted some of the people being offended when I suggested that being with a narcissist or psychopath during the holidays isn't a good idea....)
Repeat Carol's version often... but say it OUT LOUD and not merely just read silently.
Fantasizing normal family life during the holidays is nothing new. During the holidays, families see each other THEN even if they haven't seen each other all year. It's probably why there are more deaths from November -- January than any other time of the year -- sometimes self induced and other times from accidents during times they are extremely upset.
The truth is people want healthy families. They want what they see others have --enjoyable and meaningful relationships. Then they try to reproduce that with their own families who may not have the same capacity for normality. Pathological people have challenges that interrupt their ability to sustain the
change you want them to make to make your holidays 'normal.' 'Wanting' to have JUST ONE Christmas in which everyone gets along, there is no fighting, no one gets drunk or hits someone, or no one overtly insults others doesn't mean that the pathologicals in your life have the ABILITY to give that to you. Sometimes it's a set up for bitter disappointments to really want just one year of a holiday like 'other' people have.
Repetition compulsion is often re-enacted during the holidays. This is repeating the same or similar event over and over hoping & trying to get a different and satisfying outcome. This is sadly what we often see in Adult Children of Pathological Parents. At 43 they are STILL trying to have that ONE Christmas with a narcissistic mother or a borderline father so that a healing can take place in them.
Each year they start the season with the same hope that this year the parent, sibling or partner will do something kind and sweet or will 'behave' during the holidays. They desperately feel like they need one restorative experience to heal their dysfunctional family memories. Repetition compulsion can leave adults trapped in this never ending desire for just one good experience but now, they have pulled their own children into the same cycle creating an inter-generational experience of exposure to pathology. (Ever see the movie 'Stuart Saves His Family?')
While it is painful to face the reality that pathology is related to the inability to change, grow, or have insight about their own behavior, it's less painful than putting yourself and your children through another cycle of hope and despair that mounts on December 26. Pathological parents, siblings, or partners can challenge the holidays in ways that are kinder to yourself to just avoid.
Take time for yourself this holiday season. Be kind to YOU!
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