How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Six days later sister received my response. I make a reference to "EQ" in this reply. There is a pop psychology term called Emotional Quotient....it is usually referred to as "emotional intelligence". My sister likes to think of herself as emotionally intelligent. I'm the book smart one and she's the emotionally intelligent one according to her. All the evidence I can reference from my sister's history and mine would reveal that she's not only average on the IQ scale, she's not got a high "EQ" either. I think she has confused her ability to manipulate, lie and bamboozle with being emotionally intelligent. Getting people to give you what you want can't be the only measure of "EQ". What follows are the last words I have "spoken" to my sister since April 20, 2006. She made a tentative contact last December that I wrote about here : Dear D, Some things have become very clear to me in the wake of your ap...

One of the main reasons I'm sharing this exchange of emails between my sister and me is because she is a slippery fish. Her tactics tend toward the subtler side; her non-apology a work of art. I'm hoping by exposing her tactics that it'll help someone out there who is trying to deal with a similarly slippery fish. If you're new here, the "Labels" section of this web page has a category of "My Sister" which contains a history of my sister and myself going back to before she was born. The " last straw " event occurred within the email exchange I am now sharing. The first exchange of emails is here . The next parts of the exchange are here and here . I had never before thought that I would ever ax my sister out of my life. I had assumed that arm's length would be a safe enough distance. The turmoil in my emotions as I was assaulted with my sister's manipulations, lies and smooth words was worse than what I went through with my ...

In light of my sister's upcoming "apology" email that I'll soon be posting, I hope ya'll will check out this cynical take on non-apologies. I added it to the "links" section of this blog and it is titled " How NOT to Apologize When You Have Seriously Fucked Up ". It is a work of brilliance.

My sister's last email was infuriating. I had specifically told her I was settled in my mind on this and I asked her to not try to pressure me to change my mind. That was me kindly warning her to not do what she ended up doing. She was judgmental, condescending and a bit freely revising some history that was now proving inconvenient to her case. Since I don't believe that showing one's anger is necessarily a wrong thing, I responded in such a way that she could not fail to feel mine. I used sarcasm. My sister also looks down on sarcasm. She doesn't think it is ever right to use it. That is because she is somewhat ignorant. Sarcasm can put a fine point on something and deliver the message much more clearly. Even God Himself uses a bit of Divine sarcasm in the last several chapters of the book of Job. Read it. It makes me laugh every time I do. God using sarcasm to make His points to a man who needed to comprehend a reality bigger than himself. God doesn't sin...G...

I continue now to pick up the story of the last straw event with my sister. The first round of emails between her and me is posted here . Sister's next email came only a few hours after my measured and reasoned answer to her question about whether or not I wanted to meet her biological daughter. She betrayed her anger in her next email, although I could clearly see she was trying to disguise her anger in her reply. My sister looks down on the overt expression of the emotion of anger. She thinks it is always wrong to show one's anger. Probably because creating scenes with her self-centered anger was one of her frequent failings in life. So, rather than be honest when she has the emotion of anger, she will try to subvert and disguise it. That means it comes out in other ways. Like defensiveness and condescension. Here is her next email sent April 1st at 12:57 p.m.: Dear Anna, I am sorry you feel as if I have been putting pressure on you to know K. In fact, yo...

Behold, the young criminal. He has finally been caught and hauled up before the law and the judge. Because he has only now been caught the court operates on the theory that this is the first time the criminal has committed this type of crime. For some reason our judicial branch began operating on the assumption that the first time a criminal gets caught for doing something against the law he is entitled to a lighter sentence, even though we know that if you punish a first time offender with a good strong measure of the law it will be more likely to dissuade him from future offenses. To quote one of the Wisdom books of the Bible: "Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil." Eccl. 8:11 The so-called first time youthful criminal is granted either a short sentence and/or probation. Then, the court decides to go one better and expunges the record of the crime. The young criminal turn...

If you've withheld forgiveness from the narcissists in your life then I am sure you have experienced some particular accusations. These come from the narcissist and their sympathizers. They accuse you of "refusing to forget the past", "holding a grudge", "being resentful", "not letting go". One of my and my family's favs is "a heart full of hate". We erupt in gales of laughter when we conjure up that particular memory of my father's accusation in defense of my mother. Narcissists have a very limited range of emotions. While being able to fake having a wider range of emotions, they really operate on an emotional level of an animal with the two primary motivating emotions of fear and anger (jealousy is a close third, but is really a combination of the other two). This is one reason they impute one of these two emotions to you when you are not behaving properly. They project their own emotional state or reactions to you...

The standard panacea unhelpfully offered to those who are struggling with abuse past and present is "forgiveness". It is always assumed that you must "forgive" and all will be healed in your torn up soul. Your emotional wounds will finally close and you'll even be able to invite your abuser over for Christmas dinner next December. I'm going to make a categoric statement and then attempt to fill out some of my reasoning on the subject. Emotional health and healing does not reside in your being able to forgive the perp. So just forget about "forgiveness" and follow what I have to say. Test it against your logic and experience and see if I have a point. Yeah, I know, that seems to go against all conventional wisdom. Christian or secular sources seem to beat the same drum..."you have to forgive in order to be able to move on". Bull. Shit. Conventional wisdom is rarely wise, so let's think this one through without the socie...

I received an email from a reader of my blog after yesterday's post. She has come up with a great list of opposites as further examples of the distraction of labels that narcissists use. With her permission here is the list: Generous - but she was very stingy with gifts and her time. Helpful - not around when my sister and I gave birth to any of her grandchildren. Sincere - will smile to your face, then loves to gossip and make fun about what you said, did after you leave. Loyal - but she will cut you off and sever all contact as soon as you offend her in anyway. Loving - refuses to have any contact with her grandchildren. Truthful - denies ever saying things that hurt people, lies about events and what took place and what people said, lies about being able to see her grandchildren. Humble - refuses to ever say she is sorry to anyone, has pathological pride. Respectful - yet hurls venomous insults that strip you of your self esteem (I have been called selfish, greedy, rich...