How to Spot a Dangerous Man

My head has been pulled way out of the subject matter of this blog lately so that is why posting has been minimal. It's just the way it is and there isn't much to be done about it. Consequently, I thought I'd rely on Kathy Krajco for some words for the wise taken from her book. *************************** There is an interesting point of religious doctrine on this that has been largely forgotten since the Middle Ages. It is that evil lurks beneath a beautiful exterior. In the vernacular today, we say that Beauty runs skin deep . We see this principle reflected in medieval paintings of the fall of the bad angels. They aren't depicted as ugly demons; they are depicted as beautiful spirits indistinguishable outwardly from the good angels. In other words, malevolence disguises itself with sanctimony. It's easy to see why. No one wants others to see them as bad. Moreover, that's the kiss of death to a predator, because it's like a repellant that warns p...

I am convinced that part of becoming maturely healthy in heart and mind is learning to be copacetic with being alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The two are not necessarily the same. Let me wax wordy to try to make this point. I'll likely end up making other points along the way, and with some luck I might even make some good ones. Does this post mean I've come out of hiatus? Unclear. Stay tuned. It was the comments of a reader on an old post that spurred this one...who knows when the next spate of wordiness will strike. Creativity can't be scheduled. Ack. I flatter myself. It is in solitude that we are better able to take a good hard look at ourselves. It also makes a better environment for us to learn to stretch ourselves and grow in ways we haven't yet. Being alone can be used by you as a preparation time for learning to be the kind of person a healthy person would want to be with. Too often we fall back into what is famil...

If I was required to come up with one adjective to describe the internal life of a malignant narcissist...ummmmm...I couldn't do it. I require two. Covetous and fear ful--in that order. I want to focus more on the latter descriptor. Fear. It is the outgrowth of the former. Fear is so pervasive in the psyche of the narcissist that they do not see it. They call it other things; they certainly don't call it fear. Usually those around them don't see it either. Yet nearly everything the narcissist does is an effort to outrun their fear. Before I go further I want to explicitly state that an examination of the fear that moves the narcissist is not in any way a demand upon us to feel pity for them. Every single human being deals with fears. It is how we deal with our fears that largely determine what we become. I think we can safely label the narcissist as having pathological fear because it is so destructive to themselves and all those who have to deal with them. Their personal ...

The article I referenced in two earlier posts, " Narcissism and the Dynamics of Evil ", is a treasure trove of observation, insight and profound wisdom. I suspect I'll be spotlighting various points in this article from time to time because many of the author's points should be emphasized to maximize their impact. The article makes an important observation and recommendation that I think we would all do well to digest and absorb especially since it goes directly against what our narcissists have worked hard to train and prevent us from doing. Underlining and emphasis mine: Man is a person, from the Latin persona (through sound). He longs to express himself, to communicate himself to others, whether depraved or not. Just as those who contemplate the marvelous or the beautiful cannot hold themselves but will cry out in praise of what they behold, so too the depraved cannot help but on occasion burst out and spit their bile, thus providing others a momentary glimpse of...

I came across this article two years ago and really appreciated its insights. I will share some excerpts of the article here and hopefully you'll be interested enough to read it in its entirety. By Doug McManaman : ...evil is parasitic. Its host is always a good. And since evil is a kind of non-being or nothingness, pure evil is impossible. Pure evil would be completely nothing, and nothing is not evil; it simply 'is not'. Evil is a privation that requires a subject in which to inhere... From a purely moral point of view, this is how the narcissistic character disordered are created. They are self-created, or better yet, self-decreated, and then re-created, although what is re-created is not a self, but a reflection or an image. The greater the opposition between his depravity or moral nothingness (and thus self-loathing) and his egotism (his injustice and his regard for others as mere instruments of his own gratification), the more pathologica...

I received an email from a reader of my blog after yesterday's post. She has come up with a great list of opposites as further examples of the distraction of labels that narcissists use. With her permission here is the list: Generous - but she was very stingy with gifts and her time. Helpful - not around when my sister and I gave birth to any of her grandchildren. Sincere - will smile to your face, then loves to gossip and make fun about what you said, did after you leave. Loyal - but she will cut you off and sever all contact as soon as you offend her in anyway. Loving - refuses to have any contact with her grandchildren. Truthful - denies ever saying things that hurt people, lies about events and what took place and what people said, lies about being able to see her grandchildren. Humble - refuses to ever say she is sorry to anyone, has pathological pride. Respectful - yet hurls venomous insults that strip you of your self esteem (I have been called selfish, greedy, rich...

Narcissists have to use camouflage because if they were completely honest about who they are we would all be repulsed. Because they make a meal by sucking the life out of the humanity around them they must be described as predators. Like all predators, they must hide themselves; often they do so in plain sight. A favored tactic by narcissists is to wear the clothing of their opposite. The Bible is where we get the term "wolves in sheep's clothing". (See Matt. 7:15) A wolf, a predatory animal, tries to appear to be harmless by looking like a sheep, a prey animal. You can have a very large clue as to what the narcissist is up to by how they present themselves. In what way do they try to look harmless? One of my mother's camouflages is her frequent assertion that she is the "family peacemaker". She appropriated that title to herself many years back. The reality is that she is the family pot stirrer. For decades she stirred up trouble between family me...

True self-esteem is based on something more substantive than feelings. The self-esteem movement in this country has blundered terribly by focusing on building up feelings without any basis in substance. Kids in school are taught to feel good about themselves based on just feeling good about themselves. The idea is that if you feel good about yourself then you'll proceed into life without the impediment of insecurities. Many studies have been done that have exposed of myths of false self-esteem. Insecurities end up not being the worse thing to have. So what is true self-esteem based on? Accomplishment . If you are able to make yourself proud with accomplishment, you will respect yourself. Self-esteem isn't what is important. Self- respect is the issue. Teaching kids how to gain self-respect should be the goal of our educational system and parenting techniques, not this silliness of telling kids to feel good about themselves based on absolutely nothing. We end up raisi...

Innocence seldom utters outraged shrieks. Guilt does. ~ Whittaker Chambers In a previous post I asserted that evil people don't wake up each day deciding which evil deeds to accomplish. They admit to no evil because define themselves and their deeds as good and right. I'm going to explain a little more how they create this alternate reality. It is important you understand how they twist their thinking because you have probably been sucked into believing their insane logic. I am convinced the narcissist senses deep down they are evil. Their whole existence is defined by their efforts to deny this nagging sense. Hence, the universal quality of narcissists to avoid introspection and their profligate use of projection. It is possible, though very rare, for an evil person to admit they are evil. Evil people who admit they are evil tend toward the psychopath end of the narcissism spectrum. Even while admitting to being evil, they will justify their evil in some way in an attem...

Narcissists aspire to perfection. In their sphere of influence they pursue perfection at every moment in every circumstance. Because of this transcendent need to keep up the illusion of perfection, the children of narcissists are taught early on to hide the family's skeletons. The sermon is oft preached that there will be no exposure of the internal workings of the family to those outside the walls of the house. This imperative is enforced ruthlessly using behavior modification techniques which can include derision and mockery right up to physical abuse. There are grave penalties for talking to "outsiders" for the narcissist-ruled family. This is one way that a narcissist's family resembles a cult. Family members are cut off from the outside. Outsiders can, and usually do, include extended family. Children are taught that it is a mortal sin to violate the "no talk" rule. These rules are even more stringent when there is physical and sexual abuse in t...

Truth is, most of us are impressed by superficialities. It is this truth that many narcissists rely upon and are rewarded by. Physical beauty, a sophisticated "air", apparent self-confidence, good fashion sense. Most of us form positive first impressions when all of these qualities manifest at once in a person. Add to that the ability to string a few comprehensible sentences together and we are ready to vote them into public office. My mother embodies all the above characteristics. You'd like her. She makes a great first impression. Even a good second and third impression. For especially gullible and silly people out there, she remains a goddess in perpetuity. To all the characteristics above she adds an air of authority. She seizes authority in any context and most times people surrender to her without a thought. People like leaders. Most people like to be led. Especially if their chosen "leader" has enviable qualities that people wish to emulate o...

Perhaps you found yourself wondering after reading the last post , "Why did the mother go back and look again for the record?" It seems like a reasonable thing to do. Reasonable and narcissist aren't usually the words we use in the same sentence to describe something about narcissists. I've had the same question. Of course, I don't have a definitive answer because my mother never talked about this event with me, but I do have a very good explanation. Knowing my mother as I do I realize now that even though I was infuriating her with my insistence on my innocence, that very insistence was disconcerting to her. She had ramped up the rage to terrifying levels and still wasn't able to get me to say what she wanted me to say. My general overall nature as a child was compliant. Fear tactics were consistently quite effective on me. So, I am convinced that my willingness to stick to my guns even as she kept ramping up the rage finally to the point of openly wi...

A lifelong pattern I have observed in my supremely narcissistic mother is her constant fear of abandonment. It colors all her interactions with any person she has turned into a source of narcissistic supply. It describes her entire relationship to her husband, my father. From many conversations with her over the years of my growing up and adulthood (I should call them monologues, not conversations) I have insight that her fear of abandonment goes way back into her early childhood. It has been the focus of her fears as far back as her memories begin. Along with this fear of abandonment is her behavior which seems hell-bent on fulfilling her prophecy of abandonment. Her behavior seems designed to bring on the very thing she fears most. I have watched her force people to abandon her again and again. She finally, after 40+ years, convinced me to abandon her too. I cite my mother's behavior because she is nothing unique as it concerns narcissism. She is quintessential. As such...

One of the reasons it can be so hard to convince other people that the narcissist is dangerous and evil is because of the altruistic image many of them often present to the world. My entire lifetime I have been an observer of my mother's relationships (including with myself) and have seen how in every single one of them she made sure she was perceived as the benefactress. In her mind, her position of "giver" is one of superiority. To the narcissist it is a sign of inferiority to ask for help; a sign of superiority to dispense help. This is a hard and fast principle with narcissists so you better commit that one to memory. Her giving came in several forms: she would give of her time, her knowledge, and sometimes her resources. The narcissist knows the most dependable source of supply is to make another person dependent on them, so they encourage dependence. They know that being dependent is habit-forming so they are anxious to encourage you to this end. It makes for a...

Not necessarily a good one, though... It seems that a narcissistically driven person has difficulty knowing when they are going "over the top". They seem to over-do everything so much that you often get the feeling like they are acting. Your intuition that they are acting is exactly what you are witnessing. As Dr. Hare describes the narcissist/psychopath: he knows the words to the song, but not the music. They learn what emotions people normally express in certain situations but they don't feel those emotions themselves. The result is that you end up watching their performance and sensing a certain hollowness. It doesn't ring true. Even when witnessing a narcissistic rage you may have sensed the acting job. True rage isn't like a spigot that you can turn on and off. A normal person experiencing rage has a hard time settling down. They have to work on calming themselves. Let a narcissist rage and then the phone rings or another person walks in the room...