How to Spot a Dangerous Man

It was September 2005. It was the last time my sister had enough access to my heart that she could make me cry. It had been many, many years since she had made me cry because it had been many years since I'd allowed myself to trust her at all. As I've mentioned in other posts, since late 2002 my sister and I had rekindled a relationship based on our discussions about our mother. This began because of my mother's bad behavior in my home on Thanksgiving 2002 which is what eventually precipitated my cutting off my mother. Sister and I were conversing more often on a subject we could both agree on. Mom. In September of 2005 I hadn't fully realized that I had let myself think I had an ally in my sister. I didn't realize to what extent I had let myself trust her enough that she could hurt me. This was yet another time when she took my trust and gleefully stomped on it all the while acting like she was doing no such thing. Here's how it went down. I had writt...

I am finding myself having a good time at this web page . It is at Luke 17:3 Ministries . I'm actually looking for something else, but this is too good not to show you. It is the essay titled, "Selective Amnesia". Ha. You can see why I went there given recent events. Here are a few pull quotes: When your abuser claims to have no idea what he did wrong, HE IS LYING. He knows perfectly well what he did. He will try this ploy even if you have told him point blank and in no uncertain terms exactly what he did wrong, argued with him and protested his mistreatment for years, and repeated your complaints dozens of times. And yes, even if you have written him a detailed, 10-page letter listing a few decades worth of examples, which he has no doubt read a couple of hundred times. He has seen your distress every time he hurt you. In fact, that was his reward for hurting you and the reason he continued to hurt you. Because he loved knowing he COULD.... There is no...

Here's how I'm going to do this. My email-to-sister post is going under an old date so as to keep it off the front page. This is how I'm dealing with its length. Since Blogger doesn't have the "below the fold" feature that would allow me to truncate the post, this is how I'm doing it. The five most recent posts are what show up on the front page of my blog. Because new people are coming here all the time I don't want to overwhelm them with a huge post that they have no context for and therefore would likely just move on. After I eventually get at least five new posts up on the blog I will move my email to sister post into its proper order in the archives. I hope this doesn't seem complicated. It really isn't. My email can be read here .

I have composed my reply to my sister's latest email. Haven't hit the 'send' button yet; I'm going to sometime today, I think. My email is loooooong. The end result of many hours of labor. *sigh* My husband said last night how my email is too long to post on my blog because no one will read it. "They'll be overwhelmed." sez he. I protested. I think at least some of you will read it. Prove me right, please. *big grin* I'm going to post my sister's email today. That will give ya'll time to read it over and come up with your own impressions before I lay out the facts. I realize that many of you won't have the context of my history with my sister to inform your reading of her email. That's okay. By the time you read my response you'll know what's goin' on. If you're interested in the chronology of our last email exchange you would start here . Then you'd go here for the second part. There's more,...

In the comments on my post of April 27, 2008 a line of discussion developed on the pros and cons of writing letters, especially kiss-off letters, to the narcissist in your life. Some say yes...some say no. I say yes and no. It depends. Maybe. You may or may not have noticed my lack of dogmatism on this point if you have read much here. That is because it really depends on circumstances and personalities as to whether or not it is a good idea to put pen to paper. It is a personal decision you have to make because only you can ascertain whether, in your circumstance, it is better to write or not write. You know the characters in your particular play. You know yourself. You get to decide. The 'no letter' crowd are more vocal about their position. They have good reason to believe that it is an exercise in futility. A waste of time. It can hand ammo to the enemy. These are excellent points and you must carefully weigh them when making your decision. You had better know y...

I have been mulling over at least a couple topics to blog on over the last week. Haven't gotten to the point of putting the words down. Now I've been subjected to a mind flush. What happened? Late last night I checked my email just before heading off to bed and found a most unwelcome sight. An email from my sister. Good grief. She sends it on the eve of Mother's Day and doesn't even acknowledge that fact. It was a missive that shows she is still all wrapped up in herself. Thankfully, the effect of her email on me was minimal in terms of emotions. I read it...rolled my eyes multiple times...and went to bed. She didn't even disturb my sleep. A good sign. But, nevertheless, I have to decide where to go from here. Hence, the mind flush. I will likely be posting her email here so ya'll can see it for yourself. Of course, it will not mean much to you if you haven't read my past posts on "My Sister". There are 23 posts under that label. If ...

My cousin, "Lee", relates her memories and impressions from the first visit to my parent's home as a child in this post. Before we get to that, I have remarked in other posts about my cousin about her exceptional memory. Her great recall has earned the opprobrium of my mother. Back when Lee was under my mother's thumb (1997-2002) my mother began to be annoyed at Lee's excellent recall of conversations, events, time and place. One day my mother told Lee, "you really need to work on this [her memory]. It isn't good to remember every thing that happens. I have learned to not remember certain things because some things are not good or right to remember. You need to learn to do that too." At the time, my cousin's memory was getting in the way of my mother's truth revision and therefore earned her a lecture. The silliness of this demand makes me want to burst out laughing every time I think of it. But, there it is. The confession from a ...

Two women are sitting at the table in the breakfast nook sipping their cups of Earl Grey, pinkies in the air, chatting. They've been there since they awakened a couple hours earlier, so they are still in their robes and slippers. It is a mother and her grown daughter. The two of them imagine that drinking Earl Grey tea is evidence of how civilized and urbane they are. If they only knew of its existence they would apply for membership in the Tiara Tea Society . Basking in their contrived sophistication they pretend their way through the morning. They've been enjoying talking at length about themselves to each other; a close observer would pick up a bit of a competition between the women. Little games of one-up-man-ship are being played, but nothing too intense. Today, they are relaxed and in a good humor. Most of their topics, when not totally self-focused, center on gossip about other family members. If you wore special reality-revealing glasses while taking in this s...

Have you ever wondered what the narcissist was like as a child? Do you picture the narcissist as a timid, wounded little soul who was pushed around and abused only to eventually turn into the monster they are now? How about a different picture. The adult malignant narcissist you contend with was, in all likelihood, a pox on her siblings and school mates as a child. Think about it. Malignant narcissism is always a case of arrested development; someone who remains stuck at about six years of age emotionally and morally. What you are witnessing today is how the narcissist acted as a six year old. No doubt they have polished up their gig. They have fine-tuned their ways through years of trial and error. They are, in some ways, more sophisticated in their game. Some ways. They still can throw a tantrum like any six year old. They have the advantages that come from being an adult which can, to some extent, blind us to how juvenile their behaviors are. They are a child trapped in...

What follows below is my dissection of my sister's "apology" email. This was an exercise I did within a day or so of sending her my response since I was still turning her statements over and over in my mind. The only way for me to put it to rest was to completely pin her down onto paper. It worked very well to that end. My hope is that my dissection of this non-apology will be helpful to someone who is dealing with something similar. My comments are in bold print. ************************************************************* My Dear Sister, I am so sorry that my last response offended you. She is apologizing for my feelings-- which means nothing. My feelings are not something she has control over. She can only control her own feelings and her own actions. So apologizing for my feelings is like apologizing for the sunrise. Meaningless, stupid and condescending. Why condescending? Because of the presumption of power over me that it assumes. It isn't necessarily ob...