How to Spot a Dangerous Man

One of the bedrock fundamental realities of a narcissist is their absolute refusal to be grateful. For anything . Think about it. When have you seen true gratitude demonstrated by the narcissist? Their lack of gratitude is the natural result of their extreme covetousness . They must have it all . All the love, regard, and attention. Especially your share. Every faculty of their mind is focused on this quest to have it all . All the other sins of the narcissist spring from this persistent and pervasive covetousness. Because they must have it all they become predatory. They stalk all sources of human warmth and kindness so as to make sure you don't get a sliver of it...unless they decide to stingily pass a crumb of it to you. That way you have to be grateful to them for anything you have. If there is to be any gratitude in the room it is coming from you and going toward the narcissist. Never the other way around. It is this predation of what rightfully belongs to ot...

Another situation where thanks are the usual way to respond is when a compliment is given. The narcissist will often have a problem receiving the compliment with the normal response of "thank you". Enter here the next manifestation of the inability to thank: protestation . They commonly counterpoise a compliment with a protestation that they do not deserve it. Or they may dismiss a genuine accolade as insincere flattery, or even appear annoyed that the complimenter appears to think they would appreciate an admiring remark... The narcissistically motivated person doesn't even need your compliments....except, the truth is, they do need them. They simply can't let you know that fact, and they are trying to not know that fact themselves. Then there is the "Converse Manifestations" where you throw everything described previously out because the narcissist may choose to deflect thanks in an opposite sen...

I'm going to briefly summarize another way a narcissist....or "narcissistically defended" person....avoids showing gratitude. Being able to recognize what is happening will allow you to stop contributing to the negative dynamic in your relationship with the narcissist. The next anomaly is that of "reversing roles". This tendency to respond to a solicitous inquiry with "Okay" or "Sure" or the posture of equivalent solicitude typifies a narcissistically protective interaction. The assumed position is, "You're the one with the needs here, not me; but I'm such a good person I'll humor you." Denial of Remorse & Gratitude These people are so god-like in their own minds that the act of asking a favor, or even accepting an offered favor, is considered to be an act of humiliation, so they twist things around so that your offering a favor is actually them granting you a favor. Doesn't get more upside down than that. U...

Now we move on to the denial of gratitude in the second part of the article, " Denial of Remorse and Gratitude ". A relationship with a narcissist is filled with many complexities, yet those complexities are only variations on a theme once you learn the music. The relationship is dysfunctional beyond all description, yet it can be described once you understand the basic principles that motivate the narcissist. While descriptions of the narcissist are helpful in sorting out the mess, this little expose on the narcissist's inability to show true remorse or gratitude goes a long way toward explaining what is twisted in the everyday dynamic of a relationship with them. The two tools that lubricate human relationships are apologies and gratitude. They are essential components needed to keep intimacy intact. The narcissist's non-apologies and refusal to give gratitude increase the emotional distance and cause irreparable damage to the relationship over time. If we c...

Why the narcissist can't say "I'm sorry" or "thank you" in a way that feels real to you.... I found this article extremely helpful and insightful so I'm going to continue to comment on some of the content here. There seems to be in all of us a disposition not to acknowledge how much we need others. Similarly, we all seem to have some fundamental discomfort admitting to mistakes and failures..... For the purpose of this essay, the aspects of the grandiose self that we wish to emphasize includes its being without need and without sin. A transaction will be considered as essentially narcissistic insofar as its main goal seems to be the shoring up of a sinless, needless self-concept. There follow some examples of everyday behavior suggesting the unconscious operation of a grandiose self-representation, followed by a discussion of ...

or how the narcissist makes you the problem There is an interesting article published in 1990 in a psychology journal that I'd like to reference in this and upcoming posts. Parts of the article are more interesting than others so I'll summarize some of them in my own words. The parts of this article that I plan to highlight here on my blog are those concepts that I've personally seen and experienced. If I've seen and experienced it, then it is likely you have too. One of the concepts this article visits is the subject of criticism as used by the narcissist. One of the terms this article uses is "narcissistically defended person". What this means is that the person is either a narcissist, or they have adopted narcissistic defenses even if their over-all personality can not be classified as someone with NPD. So, some of the behaviors can be seen in a person who can not be reasonably classified as having the full-blown disorder of narcissism. But, I'm...