How to Spot a Dangerous Man

It was around two years before my mother pulled the stunt that precipitated my decision to cut her out of my life. The year 2000 thereabouts. The process of my emotional distancing from her had embarked on its final stages in 1998 after an event where I was forced to fully acknowledge to myself that my mother was hopelessly chilish and selfish, controlling and sinisterly manipulative, a big, fat liar and dangerous. Mother's Day was coming and I was feeling very pressured. I had reached the point where I could see that none of the Mother's Day cards applied to my mother. Combine that fact with how she had been ratcheting up her expectations for gifts on Mother's Day year by year. Now she was habitually providing "clues" as to what she would like to get for Mother's Day. She would issue the gift list in such a way as it was supposed that she was simply expressing, wistfully, the things she wanted. We would be out at the mall, or she'd be looking at ca...

From " Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers ": She terrorized. All abusers use fear to control their victims, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren’t present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don’t, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she’s thinking about how she’s going to get even. This describes my mother; how 'bout yours? The author uses the word "terrorized". This word is not hyperbolic. It is the exact right word to describe what the child of a narcissist mother endures, possibly for a lifetime. At Answers.com we find the military definition of a terrorist: An individual who uses violence, terror, and intimidation t...

I need to put in a clear disclaimer at the outset of this post. I love motherhood. In fact, I am someone who thinks there is no more important job in the world than being a mother. It is my deep, sincere respect for the high office of motherhood that motivates me to highlight the fact that there are mothers out there who have more in common with a serial killer than with true motherhood. These monsters who clothe themselves with the sacerdotal cloth of motherhood while terrorizing the fruit of her womb are worthy of no honor on this day set aside to thank good and decent mothers. Yes, I know very well that all mothers make mistakes. We could never honor any mother if the qualifications for honor were that she never have made any mistakes in raising her young. I don't believe in perfect motherhood. I do believe that good and decent mothers make mistakes, but she more than makes up for them by the fact that she unfailingly loves her children and puts their best interests ahea...

The pitty-pat of the approach of Mother's Day in the U.S. is even now discernible. A month away, I'm sure some of you are starting to feel the creeping dread rise up in your throat. Your stomach sinks; your heart squeezes in the vise-grip of expectations of family and society-at-large to bequeath honor on the dishonorable. At the other end of whatever I end up writing here today, I'll direct you to my ode to evil mothers written last year since I'm not sure I have anything better to say on it. Let me stop for a moment here and tap into my internal rage and see if anything else comes up. Ummmm, ummmmmnnn. This coffee is too good--it's put me in my happy place. Perhaps I'll recount for you part of a conversation with my husband yesterday. We were discussing the comment that I dealt with this last week here and here . Hubby brought up the presumption of the commenter that I was selfishly motivated as well as the implication that I had casually tossed away m...

Holidays and narcissists. Ripe opportunities for them to grand stand, hold you hostage due to "custom", and generally make your life completely miserable. For those of us with malignantly narcissist mothers I am convinced Mother's Day is the worst holiday of the year. Narcissist mothers have a death grip on the day. They cling to the expectations of recognition, praise, gifts and adulation with tenacious zeal. This is the day you have to "honor" her. A whole day set aside by the culture itself which means if you don't please your mother on this Day of all days you risk the disapproval of society itself, in addition to your petulant, selfish and bratty mother's persecutions. She makes full use of the pressure of society to conform you to ritual. Pleasing her on this day is the trickiest of endeavors. Land mines are set for your feet. One miss step and the whole day blows up in your face...and you will be tortured for your failure ...