How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid a narcissist. My advice has consistently been to cut off contact with narcissists because of the futility of trying to have a relationship with these debauched and predatory types with the wizened soul of a demon. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't avoid dealing with a narcissist. This is often the case when you work for one. If the narcissist is a family member, perhaps you aren't willing to cut them completely off because you have successfully minimized contact. Fact is, we sometimes have to find ways to get along with a narcissist while still trying to maintain some boundaries. To successfully accomplish this one needs some tools. These tools come from recognizing the primary motivations and world view of the narcissist. Here is a link to a PDF article by Steve Becker, LCSW, CHT...a psychotherapist. The article is titled, "Communicating with Narcissistic Personalities". Another interesting article at his site is her...

Maria asked me to comment on the tactic of manipulation often employed by narcissists: gifts or the promise of gifts. I've held off on this topic in the past because I'm not sure people want to know my thoughts on this subject especially since I put the complete onus on the receiver, not the giver. Anyway, I'll forge ahead. If you don't like what I say...you'll just have to cope. This tactic relies on certain vulnerabilities in the target. Namely, either a lack of a sense of self-sufficiency or covetousness. Dependency or greed. An examination of the lure of gifts is really about the receiver more than the "giver". No one can manipulate you with gifts or the promise of gifts if you are self-reliant and have a lock-box on your greed button. From where I sit, the question boils down to this: what do you value most? For me the answer has always been freedom. There is no gift...or promise of some future gift...that will entice me away from my autonom...

She just behaved very badly. She had fought to get her way on something, but because she wasn't able to get her way, she had an adult version of a huge temper tantrum. Unfortunately for her she had a witness to the scene...a witness not entirely under her power. She is in a jam because this person's opinion of her matters to her a great deal. Her usual tactic of having a rage just won't work in this situation. She must do something much more artful. This situation calls for the full on wounded act. She gets her target alone with just her. Her voice quavers. She takes on the look of complete defeat. Copious tears. Sighing and crying she is angling for her target to agree with her that she has been treated unjustly. She is making a play for the heart. A calculated grab for pity. While explaining how unjust the treatment of her was she looks tiny, pathetic, broken. She pretends to feel badly for the small little thing she did wrong while exaggerating and lying ab...

Let's take a look at the manipulative narcissist's favorite tool, the Guilt Trip. We've looked before at some of the sneaky and covert manipulation tactics of aggressive personalities. Malignant narcissist's are usually of the covert-aggressive sort. Sneaky fighters. Lying and underhanded SOBs. Frakking...Oops...getting carried away here... You must keep forever in the forefront of your mind that when you are dealing with a character-disordered individual (which includes narcissists as well as many other screwed up types) that they have a very different conscience from you . The reason you must remember this fact is because the manipulator never forgets it . They are deliberately using your conscience against you when they use the Guilt Trip. They are keenly aware that you possess a sound conscience. If you try to do the same to them; if you try to convince them of their guilt in something, you find that the Guilt Trip does not work on them. This is because t...

Preamble: if you don't consider yourself a Christian, please read on...there's stuff in this post for you too. A question was brought up in the comments for my 12.24.07 post as it relates to Christians, "isn't it wrong to hate?" If it is wrong to hate then God is a sinner. The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong. Psalm. 5:5 The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates. Psalm 11:5 You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy. Psalm 45:7 (This passage is quoted in Hebrews and is attributed to words God Himself speaks to His Son.) There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him... Prov. 6:16 Obviously, the Christian must acknowledge that hatred in and of itself is not sin otherwise they make their God into a sinner. A sampling of some of the Wisdom books of the Old Testame...

Before I close the chapter on the oaf from eHarmony (my daughter's descriptor), I will share the closing dialog between my daughter and M. (Part one is here .) This, I admit, is for entertainment value. I also think it will buttress my assessment of this guy's character. I've got some words "out of the horse's mouth" that you can use to decide whether or not I've been fair in my judgment. I don't want to give the impression that I see a narcissist behind every bush. I don't. I am not cynical in my treatment of people. I start out with the expectation that a person is likely to be basically decent. I have simply learned to acknowledge to myself the truth when basic decency is missing. I won't pretend something is there when it ain't. Thankfully, neither will my daughter! I don't know if this guy is a malignant narcissist, but there is no doubt he has a plethora of narcissistic behaviors and is narcissistically defended. There...

I intended to take a nice little break from thinking about narcissism between Christmas and New Years Day. Instead, I ended up with one in my living room for three days. How does this happen? eHarmony. I'm not blaming eHarmony; it isn't their fault. It serves as an explanation. My daughter met a young man who is her age, same religious background, same political views, similar hobbies and interests about six months ago. I could tell he wasn't lightin' her fire, but she was hanging in there because, on paper, it seemed like they should work. They exchanged emails for awhile, then they started talking on the phone once or twice a week. He leads his profile with the fact that he is an introvert. My daughter is a little introverted herself, so she didn't have a problem with that although, at first, the phone conversations were filled with many silences. It improved as he became more comfortable talking about what interested him. He never showed much interest ...