How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Probably one of the more shocking revelations I was confronted with when I started to see my mother with new eyes was how she is, in spirit, an anarchist. I didn't yet know about NPD, but I started to be able to discern the spirit of the anarchist as I began to look at her more objectively. The reason I could see her more objectively was because I was observing her words vs. actions as she dealt with my cousin and her sons. I have come to see this spirit of anarchy is true of NPD in general as well as with sociopathy and psychopathy. More on that in a moment. The reason this revelation shocked me was that I had been raised from my earliest moments to see my mother as the embodiment of law and order. Nothing like a controlling bitch of a narcissist mother to have a long list of iron-fisted laws for you to conform to. She was an absolute authoritarian so it isn't surprising it took me decades to see the little anarchist hiding underneath her policing uniform. According to expe...

This post is in response to Jordie's comment on the last post . As a preamble to this post I'd like to ask for the indulgence of my non-Christian readers. As difficult as you know it to be to extricate from a narcissist, especially a family narcissist, Christians are rendered much more susceptible to narcissist control because of the powerful clubs that misinformed Christianity hands over to malignant narcissists. So, hopefully, you'll be patient when my posts focus on problems for Christians, especially Bible-verse-twisting antics of the narcissists and ill-informed Christians who often unwittingly support the narcissists. ********************************* "I have heard every argument under the sun by ex-cult members not to turn away from this evil, and to in fact continue to try and reach them since God himself doesn't reject them (they believe). They use Jesus' words in Matthew 5:44, to pray for, love and do good to your enemy, and sometimes I myself wond...

"But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!" 2 Tim. 3:1-5 NKJV This is a familiar passage to Christians. I know I've read it unnumbered times. It was the last sentence that jumped out at me this last time. More on that in a moment. This counsel of Paul to the young pastor Timothy, whom Paul thinks of affectionately as a son, is specifically referring to our day..." in the last days perilous times will come..." Paul makes a rather long list of quite reprehensible behaviors that will be seen, not just at large, but in professed Christians --"having a form of godliness ...

Many of you have been baffled by the sudden devaluation you've experienced in your relationship with a narcissist. You had reason to believe you were important to them as they have been to you. You've been supportive, loving, taken the heat, hung in there--only to find yourself one day treated with inexplicable coldness, cruel disdain. What the hell happened? It will be helpful to ask a narcissist what the deal is. Sam Vaknin can describe in almost clinical terms how this all works. "The narcissist mistakenly interprets his narcissistic needs as emotions." The absolute driving need for the narcissist is seeking sources of attention, i.e. narcissistic supply. What he said in the above sentence is important to remember because we all make the mistake of thinking the narcissist is motivated by what motivates us. For example, we pursue a relationship with a person of the opposite sex for many reasons. We're looking for shared dreams, companionship, love and pas...

I was re-reading the account of Joseph's life in Genesis several nights ago. I saw something there I had never taken note of before. I'll try, as best I can, to distill it down to the part you might find helpful. The story of Joseph is a long one. It starts in Gen. 37. It jumps over chapter 38 and continues on from chapter 39 through 49. I'll do a quick review of the first part of his life and then concentrate on what happened in chapters 42-45. As far as I'm aware, there are only two men (other than Christ, of course) in the Bible that do not have sins recorded against them in the record. Joseph and Daniel. The Scriptures don't call these men sinless, but no specific mention of a personal sin is recorded against them. The greatest patriarchs for Jews and Christians, Abraham and Moses, both had some significant personal failings. The Scriptures never shy away from presenting even the most noble of its characters as they were...real men with real sins. David, "a...

"Krl" kindly directed my attention to an article that came out of Psychology Today on whether we must forgive in order to be healthy and happy emotionally. I read the article in stunned amazement...happy amazement. From Must You Forgive? Adapted from "Forgiving & Not Forgiving: A New Approach to Resolving Intimate Betrayal" (Avon Books, August 1999) by Jeane Safer, Ph.D. From the political to the personal, Americans are caught in an orgy of forgiveness. Failure to pardon, we're constantly admonished, will blight our lives. Now a psychotherapist counters that popular claim. You can refuse to absolve your lover, spouse, parent, sibling or friend, she declares, and still be emotionally healthy. I am glad to report that this article resonates and, in some important respects, reiterates what I've written on the topic of forgiveness. I find relief in seeing some clear-eyed analysis of this subject coming from the psych community. Telling people who have been ...

From Kathy Krajco's blog: Perhaps the strangest thing about narcissistic abuse is the almost universal decision of the victim to put up with it. This is something other people cannot get their minds around. And it is one reason why they withhold sympathy from the victim, blowing off severe psychological abuse and mental cruelty as mere annoyance. But there are many understandable reasons why the victim puts up with it. All people need do is think a little to understand. I know that many of you who read here also read at Kathy's most excellent blog, but just in case you missed this one I am pointing you in the direction of this post . She captures the fundamental reasons why children of narcissists are especially vulnerable to putting up with the crap that narcissists dish up. She does this without pathologizing the victim. God bless ya, Kathy.

Because I have long been a student of human nature I have recognized the reality that we are all born very bent toward selfishness. My Christian belief system also informs this view. The Bible is clear that we are all born bent inward, toward self. Understanding that we are all born selfish has motivated me to study how to not be like the malignant narcissists. Why have I studied how not to be narcissistic? Because we all come standard equipped to be narcissistic, therefore, it is easy to be a narcissist. The basic equipment we are born with is bent toward narcissism, not toward sainthood. The path to being good is rocky, uphill, hard, and often lonely. Why do people admire saints? Because it was easy? Quite the opposite, we know it was hard. Maybe you haven't come to my conclusions about the nature of human kind, so let's look at it from another angle. Think about how people in general talk about good behaviors vs. vices. We don't talk about how we are "tem...

I want to thank you all for your great comments. As each of you tell a piece of your history and experience it expands the knowledge base of this blog. I don't respond to very many comments because time limits me, but I always wish I could. Sometimes I just want to say, "Wow, amazing". When some of you thank me for what I've written it confirms that the effort has been very worthwhile. I appreciate all your words of appreciation. I also am very aware that I deserve very little credit. You all are doing the hard work in your own lives. Each of you are searching for answers (which leads you to places like my blog), each of you are having to do the effort to make huge changes in your lives. My admiration goes outward to each of you for the changes you are making. I have made similar changes...believe me, I know how difficult and heart-wrenching those changes can be as you are going through them. Facing reality hurts, but in the long run it heals. I feel a kinship with e...

"Don't drive angry. Do not drive angry." Good advice from Phil to Phil in one of our family's favorite-ist movies, "Ground Hog Day". Classic. This is the film's 15th anniversary. Wooohooo. Phil: "This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather." *heavy sarcasm* Happy Groundhog Day ya'll. Six more weeks of winter according to the fat rat. Guess what we'll be watching tonight ? Yeah, you're smart like that. Good guess. Meanwhile, we've got up to four inches of snow predicted for tonight. I love winter.

IRONY UPDATE BELOW I am linking to the guest article on Violent Acres because I resonate completely with this young woman's argument for being judgmental. I, too, am a judgmental bitch. Which is why I have been able to extricate myself from the pestilential and tyrannical narcissists in my life. I highly recommend being judgmental. In fact, I insist on you using good judgment all the time on my blog. Engaging your brain in order to assert some order and control over your life is called using judgment . I dedicate this article to the last commenter on the post " But Wait, There's More! " who went way out of their way to excuse Shrek in order to make me into the bad guy. There is no time when it more obviously paramount to use judgment than when dating. For pete's sake , the whole reason for dating is to determine (i.e. JUDGE) if someone is a good match for you. You can't determine that fact without using judgment. I am so sick and tired of people thi...