How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Not necessarily a good one, though... It seems that a narcissistically driven person has difficulty knowing when they are going "over the top". They seem to over-do everything so much that you often get the feeling like they are acting. Your intuition that they are acting is exactly what you are witnessing. As Dr. Hare describes the narcissist/psychopath: he knows the words to the song, but not the music. They learn what emotions people normally express in certain situations but they don't feel those emotions themselves. The result is that you end up watching their performance and sensing a certain hollowness. It doesn't ring true. Even when witnessing a narcissistic rage you may have sensed the acting job. True rage isn't like a spigot that you can turn on and off. A normal person experiencing rage has a hard time settling down. They have to work on calming themselves. Let a narcissist rage and then the phone rings or another person walks in the room...

Another situation where thanks are the usual way to respond is when a compliment is given. The narcissist will often have a problem receiving the compliment with the normal response of "thank you". Enter here the next manifestation of the inability to thank: protestation . They commonly counterpoise a compliment with a protestation that they do not deserve it. Or they may dismiss a genuine accolade as insincere flattery, or even appear annoyed that the complimenter appears to think they would appreciate an admiring remark... The narcissistically motivated person doesn't even need your compliments....except, the truth is, they do need them. They simply can't let you know that fact, and they are trying to not know that fact themselves. Then there is the "Converse Manifestations" where you throw everything described previously out because the narcissist may choose to deflect thanks in an opposite sen...

I'm going to briefly summarize another way a narcissist....or "narcissistically defended" person....avoids showing gratitude. Being able to recognize what is happening will allow you to stop contributing to the negative dynamic in your relationship with the narcissist. The next anomaly is that of "reversing roles". This tendency to respond to a solicitous inquiry with "Okay" or "Sure" or the posture of equivalent solicitude typifies a narcissistically protective interaction. The assumed position is, "You're the one with the needs here, not me; but I'm such a good person I'll humor you." Denial of Remorse & Gratitude These people are so god-like in their own minds that the act of asking a favor, or even accepting an offered favor, is considered to be an act of humiliation, so they twist things around so that your offering a favor is actually them granting you a favor. Doesn't get more upside down than that. U...

Now we move on to the denial of gratitude in the second part of the article, " Denial of Remorse and Gratitude ". A relationship with a narcissist is filled with many complexities, yet those complexities are only variations on a theme once you learn the music. The relationship is dysfunctional beyond all description, yet it can be described once you understand the basic principles that motivate the narcissist. While descriptions of the narcissist are helpful in sorting out the mess, this little expose on the narcissist's inability to show true remorse or gratitude goes a long way toward explaining what is twisted in the everyday dynamic of a relationship with them. The two tools that lubricate human relationships are apologies and gratitude. They are essential components needed to keep intimacy intact. The narcissist's non-apologies and refusal to give gratitude increase the emotional distance and cause irreparable damage to the relationship over time. If we c...

The fifth form of narcissistic non-apology described in this article is that of deflecting blame. I doubt you've lived this long unscathed by this mighty diversion tactic. This section of the article is comprised mostly of a description of an event with a psychotherapy trainee with more guns in his arsenal of self-defense (because of his psych training) than even the average narcissist. You can read their example for yourself. As you read, notice that the false premise of the narcissist is one of complete and perfect self-sufficiency. It is this unrealistic goal, this idealized sense of the world and themselves, that underpins their inability to either sincerely thank someone or to truly apologize. Both states, apologetic and gratitude, require a belief in humanity's interdependency; that we need each other and that none of us are perfect. The narcissist ascribes to, as the article described it earlier, "a sinless, needless self-concept". If you have dared ...

You'll probably recognize this diabolical little form of non-apology if you've ever managed to really corner a narcissist with their bad deed(s). When they are caught with their pants all the way down around their ankles they will often resort to this form of non-apology which can appear like they are going completely belly-up. Beware of being fooled by this one. You need to stay observant. First, here is a quote from the article on " Denial of Remorse & Gratitude " that I've been serially visiting. All emphasis mine: We have noticed the tendency for narcissistically vulnerable people to engage in a kink of ritual self-castigation in the wake of an undeniable or unrationalizable failing toward someone. This is a process even more elusive than explaining, and harder to distinguish from true apologizing ... ...In the case of a person with a narcissistic character disorder, ...

Another version of a non-apology... What jumped out at me as I read this article from Contemporary Psychoanalysis was how many versions of non-apology I would get in one interaction with either my sister or my mother. In the process of one "apology" they would use every one of the iterations of non-apology defined in this article. I had to get into my forties before I could start to recognize that these women had never apologized to me for anything in all my life. I went through this recently with my sister. She had pulled one of her stunts and I called her on it in no uncertain terms. She waited for a couple of weeks and then sent me an email with her "apology". Oh, it was a grand attempt. What she didn't anticipate was how transparent her explaining, blame-shifting, appeals to her perfect intentions, etc. were to me. I nailed her between the eyes with my rejection of her "apology" and told her we have no relationship as far as I'm conce...

Appealing to Good Intentions I long ago quit accepting "good intentions" as an apology finding myself completely irked by what was obviously a defense and not an apology. I hadn't quite come to understand what precisely was happening when this kind of apology was being given...the "repair of their inner self-concept, not the mending of the feelings of those in their external world". It is so obvious once stated. Keep in mind that one can receive or dish out any of these iterations of a non-apology without being a full-blown narcissist. Yes, a person who gives any of these non-apologies is certainly "narcissistically defended" at the moment they do this, but if the person you're dealing with consistently issues non-apologies then you have reason to suspect a malignant narcissist rather than just a momentarily defensive human-being. Narcissistic Pathology of Everyday Life: The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude

Why the narcissist can't say "I'm sorry" or "thank you" in a way that feels real to you.... I found this article extremely helpful and insightful so I'm going to continue to comment on some of the content here. There seems to be in all of us a disposition not to acknowledge how much we need others. Similarly, we all seem to have some fundamental discomfort admitting to mistakes and failures..... For the purpose of this essay, the aspects of the grandiose self that we wish to emphasize includes its being without need and without sin. A transaction will be considered as essentially narcissistic insofar as its main goal seems to be the shoring up of a sinless, needless self-concept. There follow some examples of everyday behavior suggesting the unconscious operation of a grandiose self-representation, followed by a discussion of ...

100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back Do you want a sure-fire test to see if you're involved in a "friendship" with a narcissist? Okay, this is really simple. It is so simple that you may be tempted to dismiss it. Please don't. I know this works from personal experience. I have seen this work consistently for others as well. It is the equivalent of smearing your body with blood and jumping into shark-infested waters....the sharks will bite. The dolphins, the fish, the sea turtles will not bite. Ready? Just say NO. Yup, that catchy little anti-drug phrase contains all the advice you need to detect who in your life is sucking your life blood from you. This works so consistently well that if I was selling this advice I'd offer you a money-back guarantee. What should you say no to? It doesn't matter. If you have noticed that you are always saying yes to everyone in your life then chances are you've attracted at least one narcissist. The be...