How to Spot a Dangerous Man

Narcissists have to use camouflage because if they were completely honest about who they are we would all be repulsed. Because they make a meal by sucking the life out of the humanity around them they must be described as predators. Like all predators, they must hide themselves; often they do so in plain sight. A favored tactic by narcissists is to wear the clothing of their opposite. The Bible is where we get the term "wolves in sheep's clothing". (See Matt. 7:15) A wolf, a predatory animal, tries to appear to be harmless by looking like a sheep, a prey animal. You can have a very large clue as to what the narcissist is up to by how they present themselves. In what way do they try to look harmless? One of my mother's camouflages is her frequent assertion that she is the "family peacemaker". She appropriated that title to herself many years back. The reality is that she is the family pot stirrer. For decades she stirred up trouble between family me...

All previous posts on my sister are here . My sister's baby was adopted by a very nice couple who were amenable to an open adoption. They allowed my sister to name the baby. The only contact over the years was a package sent around the birth date of the little girl with several pictures and a short note describing a few of the events and achievements of the child. The package would be sent every year to my parent's home as their address was fixed; Mom would forward it to my sister. Somewhere between this young girl's fifteenth and sixteenth birthday she was allowed by her adoptive mother to make contact with my sister. I won't go into the particulars of why it happened when it did because it isn't all that relevant to the story of my sister and me. The adoptive mother first contacted my sister and discussed whether or not my sister was open to meeting her biological daughter. Naturally, sister was thrilled with the prospect. One evening I received a phone call...

As I've attempted to try to convey the overall flavor of my relationship with my sister leading up to the event that caused me to finally break away I have been struggling with something. A woman in the Adult Children of Narcissists group said something that put my struggle into words: I have taken a lot but this is the final insult. It may be a little thing but this little mistake has pushed me into action. It may be a little thing to everyone else but it is a big thing to me . Not anyone knows what life has been like for me... There is no way I can describe to anyone what I have had to face each and every day of my life, what I've had to put up with, what I've had to cope with . So many times I was almost driven insane with everything that just didn't make any sense to me at all, but now it does. And I'm angry. Emphasis mine. This woman is describing my experience as well as her own. Perhaps she is describing yours. People on the outside looking in are ill-...

Using the four criteria to determine if a person is experiencing Stockholm syndrome, Sara Lambert shows how chronically abused children are demonstrably victims of this syndrome. In " Captivity & The Stockholm Syndrome " the author describes the environment the child lives in who is experiencing ongoing abuse. I have been convinced for a while now that many adult children of narcissists show signs that they are operating from a Stockholm syndrome perspective. The article is careful to state that: It is important to emphasize here that nothing about the Stockholm Syndrome suggests the captive does anything wrong or abnormal. The situation is driven entirely by the abusive captor and responsibility for it, and for the captive's responses, lies directly with him. I completely agree with this statement. This syndrome is a survival technique; it is a quite effective one at that. But in order to live a healthy adult life one has to recognize if their behaviors are st...

I applaud the author of this article, " It's All About Him ". He sees the connection between so many of the high profile murderers of our day--their narcissism. The article came out in the wake of the Cho murder spree. Here are a couple quotes from the article. I recommend reading the full article as it isn't long but is succinctly insightful. I've lost interest in the cracks, chips, holes and broken places in the lives of men like Cho Seung-Hui, the mass murderer of Virginia Tech. The pain, grievances and self-pity of mass killers are only symptoms of the real explanation. Those who do these things share one common trait. They are raging narcissists. The flamboyant nature of these crimes is like a neon sign pointing to the truth. Charles Whitman playing God in his Texas clock tower, James Huberty spraying lead in a California restaurant, Harris and Klebold in their theatrical trench coats--they're all stars in the cinema of their self-absorbed minds.

Torienne's comments on the private sadism of narcissists brought a particular event to my recall. It didn't happen to me personally. As my mother gets older her ability to hide her malignancy diminishes. This event happened a few years ago. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my mother began grooming my female cousin "Lee" to take my place as a daughter, of sorts. This began in the late 90's. In 2002 I finally was able to figure out that my cousin was under my mother's tyranny, and I did all in my power to help her extricate herself. Successfully, by the way. My cousin has two sons. One of the reasons my mother was able to get a handle on my cousin's life was because Lee was having problems as a single mother raising her two boys. My mother, who constantly advertises herself as having all the answers in raising kids, presented herself to my cousin as her last and best hope. My mother ran a bit of a "boot camp" at her home whenever sh...

A comment was left on my blog a few days ago that deserves to be highlighted. Torienne left a comment on the blog post " When Your Narcissist Mother isn't THAT Bad ". She very articulately describes the component of emotional abuse that makes it so painful and destructive. She also captures what it is that makes physical and emotional pain move from the realm of discomfort into torture. To save you a click, I'll copy and paste her comment below. Thanks, Torienne, for your well-stated insights. Torienne said... I once read a comment by a neonatologist, who said of his profession "What we do to these children is indistinguishable from torture." He has a point. Think about what a juvenile cancer patient goes through -the needles, the poisons, the surgeries. And yet, when they recover, these kids are delighted to return to the hospital where torture was visited on them. They run to hug the nur...