Decision Time
If your desire is to live in something resembling the Healthy Family model as outlined in the last post then you are forced to make some decisions. If the dynamics of your family of origin more resemble the Mob Family model you are going to have to recognize the Mob Family will never become the Healthy Family as long as the narcissist is allowed by other family members to maintain their tyrannical rule over them. If you decide to keep the Mob Boss, i.e., the narcissist, in your family then you are deciding to maintain the structure of the Mob Family. You have the right and even the obligation before God and your fellow human beings to fight for the Healthy Family. This means you have to remove the unrepentant and recalcitrant evil doers from your "community" if there is to exist a Healthy Family. You can't have everything in this life. You have to make choices. If you want a healthy environment for yourself and your own family you are not going to be able to operate by Mob Family rules. You are certainly not going to achieve a healthy family if you keep the Mob Boss around.
People agonize over the rightness or wrongness of keeping the destructive and tyrannical narcissist in their family. What you really need to focus on is what kind of family structure are you trying to create for yourself? Are you wanting to live in the Healthy Family model or the Mob Family? This is the decision you face. You can not live in both. Since you are one human being, you have to make a choice as to where you want to live. You can't bi-locate. Neither can your mind. What nobility is there in keeping yourself bound by the laws of the jungle where "might makes right" which the Mob Family model demands? Loyalty to family at the cost of integrity, principle, freedom and human worth does not sanctify your loyalty. Loyalty to principle not personality is what leads to nobility of purpose and character.
The moment you decide to not play by the rules of the Mob Family someone is going to take a "contract" out on your head. You are in a war whether or not you are willing to admit it. The Mob Family can not tolerate someone who decides to get out. So if you are a pacifist, you are sunk. Signs that you are a pacifist would be if you worry about hurting the narcissist's feelings, you feel guilty for standing up for your right to make your own decisions, you think you just haven't found the right way to say things so as to convince the Mob Boss that their behaviors are not acceptable, you feel that family is everything so it would be wrong for you to do anything which would end up with you cutting off from family, or you are afraid to protect your own children by withholding them from contact from destructive family members because, after all, isn't family everything? If you hold onto these rationalizations you are destined to stay enmeshed with the narcissist's twisted family dynamics. The war is as good as over. You lose.
If you are someone who is willing to fight, but only to a certain point, then you aren't in this to win and you're screwed too. You have to be willing to take it all the way or you may as well save yourself the headache and not fight at all. If you don't have more determination than the narcissist does, then you may as well just roll over now and offer up your tender underbelly.
As noted in my last post, when there was "war in heaven", the end result was that the rebels were "cast out". So if you're looking for the objective of war with the narcissist in your life, this would be a good one to use. The objective: cast out the narcissist. Don't bother to stand up to the narcissist and their Mob Family unless you're willing to take it all the way. By that, I'm not saying you will absolutely have to end up cutting off the narcissist from all contact with you. It may not need to go that far depending on you and your ability to deal with them. Some people have the emotional strength to continue some minimal contact with the narcissist, but it is never without cost. You have to be willing to put up with a certain amount of pain and chaos if you decide to maintain any contact with the narcissist. I'm talking about a mindset. Having the mindset that you are no longer going to play by any of the narcissist/Mob family rules ever again is the only way to successfully engage in this war.
The narcissist is naturally fearful of a person they can't control. If you decide to live by a different set of rules and values, the narcissist may think you are asserting your "right" to the Mob Boss position of the family. Or, if we look at this in terms of the social structure of pack animals (like dogs), you will be perceived as going for the Alpha position. Depending on the type of narcissist you're dealing with, they may even grant you that position and start looking like they are a milder and gentler version of themselves. This is a ruse designed to buy them the time to reassert their dominance. Hopefully, you have the moral character to not be seduced by this apparent new position of dominance in the family because that would mean you are still playing the Mob Family rules and haven't done anything but beat the narcissist at their own game...for the time being. So, don't engage in this "war" unless you are able to resist being seduced back into their Mob Family when you suddenly find the narcissist cowering before you. Some people are not really willing to walk away from the Mob Family model when what they really want is to be the one on top. If that is you, then you're really not much different than the narcissist is since you're aspiring to be in his or her place.
The narcissist lives by rules and codes that are antithetical in every way to a healthy family dynamic. If you desire to have a healthy family you have to choose between the narcissist and your hope for something better. If you want something better...it'll require you armor up and engage in moral warfare. The narcissist refuses to live in the Healthy Family. So you have decide which you want more. You can't have both.
People agonize over the rightness or wrongness of keeping the destructive and tyrannical narcissist in their family. What you really need to focus on is what kind of family structure are you trying to create for yourself? Are you wanting to live in the Healthy Family model or the Mob Family? This is the decision you face. You can not live in both. Since you are one human being, you have to make a choice as to where you want to live. You can't bi-locate. Neither can your mind. What nobility is there in keeping yourself bound by the laws of the jungle where "might makes right" which the Mob Family model demands? Loyalty to family at the cost of integrity, principle, freedom and human worth does not sanctify your loyalty. Loyalty to principle not personality is what leads to nobility of purpose and character.
The moment you decide to not play by the rules of the Mob Family someone is going to take a "contract" out on your head. You are in a war whether or not you are willing to admit it. The Mob Family can not tolerate someone who decides to get out. So if you are a pacifist, you are sunk. Signs that you are a pacifist would be if you worry about hurting the narcissist's feelings, you feel guilty for standing up for your right to make your own decisions, you think you just haven't found the right way to say things so as to convince the Mob Boss that their behaviors are not acceptable, you feel that family is everything so it would be wrong for you to do anything which would end up with you cutting off from family, or you are afraid to protect your own children by withholding them from contact from destructive family members because, after all, isn't family everything? If you hold onto these rationalizations you are destined to stay enmeshed with the narcissist's twisted family dynamics. The war is as good as over. You lose.
If you are someone who is willing to fight, but only to a certain point, then you aren't in this to win and you're screwed too. You have to be willing to take it all the way or you may as well save yourself the headache and not fight at all. If you don't have more determination than the narcissist does, then you may as well just roll over now and offer up your tender underbelly.
As noted in my last post, when there was "war in heaven", the end result was that the rebels were "cast out". So if you're looking for the objective of war with the narcissist in your life, this would be a good one to use. The objective: cast out the narcissist. Don't bother to stand up to the narcissist and their Mob Family unless you're willing to take it all the way. By that, I'm not saying you will absolutely have to end up cutting off the narcissist from all contact with you. It may not need to go that far depending on you and your ability to deal with them. Some people have the emotional strength to continue some minimal contact with the narcissist, but it is never without cost. You have to be willing to put up with a certain amount of pain and chaos if you decide to maintain any contact with the narcissist. I'm talking about a mindset. Having the mindset that you are no longer going to play by any of the narcissist/Mob family rules ever again is the only way to successfully engage in this war.
The narcissist is naturally fearful of a person they can't control. If you decide to live by a different set of rules and values, the narcissist may think you are asserting your "right" to the Mob Boss position of the family. Or, if we look at this in terms of the social structure of pack animals (like dogs), you will be perceived as going for the Alpha position. Depending on the type of narcissist you're dealing with, they may even grant you that position and start looking like they are a milder and gentler version of themselves. This is a ruse designed to buy them the time to reassert their dominance. Hopefully, you have the moral character to not be seduced by this apparent new position of dominance in the family because that would mean you are still playing the Mob Family rules and haven't done anything but beat the narcissist at their own game...for the time being. So, don't engage in this "war" unless you are able to resist being seduced back into their Mob Family when you suddenly find the narcissist cowering before you. Some people are not really willing to walk away from the Mob Family model when what they really want is to be the one on top. If that is you, then you're really not much different than the narcissist is since you're aspiring to be in his or her place.
The narcissist lives by rules and codes that are antithetical in every way to a healthy family dynamic. If you desire to have a healthy family you have to choose between the narcissist and your hope for something better. If you want something better...it'll require you armor up and engage in moral warfare. The narcissist refuses to live in the Healthy Family. So you have decide which you want more. You can't have both.
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