How to Spot a Dangerous Man

As I have reflected on history with my narcissistic mother I have been able to see clear indications of her awareness of her crimes against me. I suspect you've seen the same indications with your own narcissist. I'll name a couple of them: 1) All my life she has hated my friends. I know now it is because they have always been a threat to her control of my mind. She made it clear to me, starting when I was very young, that I was not allowed to speak of the things that went on in our house. It was none of anyone's business, she would say. It was repeated often that talking about her or our family life was wrong, disloyal, bad. (Even though she freely gossips to whoever about immediate family members when it suits her.) Despite the ongoing propaganda she was never sure whether or not I was sharing things with my friends; she always imagined signs that they didn't like her and how that was directly my fault. It is likely you've also seen this paranoia and active camp...

The Narcissist is like a cult leader... My Nmother is a somatic narcissist i.e. obsessed with her beauty and/or sexuality. "Stunningly beautiful" is what most would call her for many decades of her life. But, alas, age will eventually make its mark no matter how successfully you've heretofore escaped its ravages. As my Nmother reached her sixth decade she needed a new gig. It was harder....well, damn near impossible, to convince herself that she was the most beautiful woman in whatever room she was standing in anymore. Her grandiosity bubble of being the Belle of the Ball was threatening to explode on her. Enter: the religious narcissist. If she can't be the most beautiful, she will be the most "spiritual". (Although, she still thinks she's gorgeous.) She will define what "spiritual" means in such as way that only she can stand at the pinnacle of achievement. She alone sits on the right hand of God, He speaks to her personally. About ...

Part One There are many who've been caught in the vortex of a narcissist who come out the other side saying they felt like they had been brainwashed. I came to define it the same way myself a few years ago. The book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain you Dry" by Albert J. Bernstein calls it hypnosis. His case is convincing. He is also very helpful because he takes all the mystery out of the concept of hypnosis and enables you to understand how and why it works as well as what is in you that makes you susceptible to it. Get the book. Amazon sells it for around $10. I was raised by a malignant narcissist who also happened to be my mother. Through the long and laborious process of growing up under the burden of misinformation and reality-bending forces imposed on me by her, I finally started to realize what I was dealing with (as I started pushing forty years old) and ultimately to escape (at age 43). I issued my narcissistic mother notice that I was ...

Many times I refer to the narcissist using the male gender. This is not a reflection of a belief that all, or even most, narcissists are male. In fact, I believe that there are as many female narcissists as male. The female narcissists often slip under the radar because their methodology is of the more subtle variety as a general rule. If I were to go by my personal experience alone I would tend to feel like there are more female than male narcissists because most of my entanglements with narcissists have been of the female variety. Please don't assume I have a mind-set that is predisposed to thinking of the narcissist in terms of maleness. The gender terms are completely interchangable in my mind. As you read, please, insert whatever gender term you want to....my comments apply to either one. My comments also apply to any and all narcissists whether they be lover, co-worker, child or a parent.

i.e. the only humanity the N recognizes is his own Picture the narcissist who is preening and posing in the mirror you hold up to him. Does he see you ? No more than you notice a mirror as you're checking out your own reflection. Does this explain to you why he knows so little about you? Why some of the most obvious things about you seem to be missed by him? He doesn't see you ....he only sees his reflection in your face. The reflection is what he is playing to. Do you imagine that the narcissist loves you? He doesn't even see you, how can he love you? You are what he decides you are. Nothing more. Give up any delusions you may have on this. The narcissist doesn't love you. The narcissist can't love you. He has no love or regard or compassion to spare. He only spends it on himself. The narcissist is the center of all things in their perverted little minds. This makes the narcissist above everyone else. They are gods of their own making. To really ge...

or....that word "malignant" is just another word for evil If someone knows the difference between right and wrong but persistently chooses to do wrong, to cause harm, to injure, to kill (the body or soul), we can safely assign to that person the term evil . Because this is my blog, I'll elaborate. The concept of evil has been around as long as humanity has. You may choose to believe it doesn't exist, but you would have to be either 1) a uniquely oblivious person or 2) evil yourself. (A convenient dodge for evil people is to do away with the term and they suddenly are free of exposure.) For the rest of you who are able to conceive that evil does exist, let's look at the concept as it relates to the malignant narcissist. Among the various definitions of evil we find this one: adj. : having or exerting a malignant influence All the definitions of evil apply to the malignant narcissist, but let us focus on this one. Let's look at the word "malignant"...

Just points along the continuum... What happens if a person does manage to completely overcome their conscience so it disturbs them no more? Welcome to the unveiling of the psychopath. The psychopath has thrown off all constrictions of conscience and, consequently, societal strictures, thus making them capable of the most heartless and base crimes against humanity while they smirk and talk about how the victim deserved what they got. I'm not saying all, or even many narcissists, turn into psychopaths. There is no evidence for that, and I certainly don't believe it. I do believe it is accurate to assert, though, that all psychopaths are narcissists. More and more professionals are coming to see malignant narcissism as a continuum. A psychopath is the endpoint on that continuum of narcissism. But our study here is the narcissist. The narcissist still has a conscience and, therefore, hides her crimes under a cloak of self-made righteousness. This pretense is unnecessary for...

The narcissist is a junkie. Why? For the same reason people become addicted to drugs: it dulls the pain. What pain is the narcissist seeking deliverance from? Their pain is that of a conscience not given its due . They dodge, weave, connive, and lie to themselves, and others, constantly in order to cheat their conscience. A lie is a deliberate effort to conceal the truth. The narcissist lies because they know what the truth is. Truth is something the narcissist must fend off with all their might because truth is like the wooden stake through the heart for the vampire. They perceive truth as the enemy because it will destroy their flimsy house of cards. Always keep the thought in the back of your mind...the narcissist is aware of truth which is why she lies so much. She lies to you just as much as she lies to herself. Truth is their mortal enemy. Which is why, if you decide to embrace truth, you will have to let go of the narcissist. We all have pain. It is the lot of humanit...

Otherwise known as beating your head against a wall... If you are under the misconception that you could someday fill the attention-cup of the narcissist it is time for a reality check. There is no filling their vast reservoir. You can labor intensively for the rest of your life only to find yourself being condemned by the narcissist for never doing anything for them . (I'm betting you've already heard the narcissist say something like this.) At some point they will push you to utter hopelessness if you have insisted on clinging to the hope that you could ever be enough for them. My advice? Give it up now . Don't wait to hit the dregs of despair. Take that as sage advice from the voice of experience...because that is what it is. Are you one of those people with a savior-complex? Are you convinced that the narcissist's redemption lies in the vast repository of love and hope you keep your heart? Alas, you have my very deepest sympathies. I assure you, at some p...

You are the fix... The narcissist is an addict. Their drug of choice? Attention. If you can really lock onto that word and understand how it defines the very core of the narcissist then you are well on your way to understanding what the hell is going on. What kind of attention, you ask? Any kind. Positive attention works. If that commodity is in scarce supply, then negative attention works just as well. Examples of positive attention would be: hanging on their every word, looks of admiration, adulation, attending to their every need preferably without ever being asked. All these reflections in the mirror affirm the narcissist's need for grandiosity . But the flip side of the attention currency would be: looks of fear, intimidation, obsequiousness. This also proves to the twisted mind of the narcissist that they are powerful and god-like. This negative attention just as adequately fulfills their need for grandiosity as the positive attention does. Any and all attention...

Here are a few recommendations for books that can help you deal with the narcissist(s) in your life. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson available at Amazon.com. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein. This book gets mixed reviews for its extensive use of the vampire metaphor. Some find it tedious, others entertaining. I am one who found it entertaining. The book has quite a bit of practical advice which is often hard to come by in books on this topic. The book seems targeted more toward those dealing with narcissists and other personality-disordered people in the workplace. The advice can apply to other contexts as well. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon. This is a must have book for anyone. We all have had to deal with manipulative people and can be assured we'll have to again. T...

Excuse Me While I Mix Metaphorial Images A metaphor that works so well for narcissists: vampires. It is such an accurate metaphor that people will automatically reach for it when trying to describe their personal experiences with a narcissist. So many parallels. If you're here because you've been sucked dry by some smooth-talking vampire then you know this is true. Another metaphor that works extremely well is that created by the movie, " The Matrix ". In order to really understand malignant narcissism you have to swallow the "red pill". Only by allowing yourself to see stark, unpleasant reality will you ever be able to get a grasp of the situation you're in with the narcissist in order to free yourself. You have been stuck in a macabre dance with the narcissist only because you have allowed him/her to define reality for you. It is a false reality. It casts a rosy glow over the actions and motives of the narcissist while it dumps mud on yours i...